Morning Insights

It's been sometime since I've written on my blog. I certainly had hoped to become this prolific writer here. This is one of those rare, unplanned little blogs. It's 6:50 a.m.. I've been awake for just a few moments, mulling over some of the hurt and pain that have accompanied my heart and soul this summer. Most of it has had to do with tension within the greater McCulloch family, which has certainly brought tension into my little home in Port Huron.
By all accounts, when considering everything that Amber, the kids and I have done this summer, this should go down as one of the greatest summer ever. We've gone to the zoo, camped in my in-laws backyard, had a great time at Brown City church camp, spent time with friends, even got some home projects done, and went on several great trips (Grand Rapids, Greenfield Village day, and perhaps Mackinac Island next week). Despite the great memories, I've been clearly in a funk that seem to have begun earlier this year. Anxiety, at least that is again what appears to have been giving me some of the weird issues I've been facing, has reared its ugly head off and on. Despite evolving into the best physical condition I've been in for some time, I've had strange moments this summer. Not getting along with my parents, not seeing them has been tough. To add to this, while at Brown City Camp, I had a sermon on relationships from Pastor Steve DeNeff that basically challenged me to make peace, but I feel like the lone crusader in this area. I realize and agree with the perspective of others in this family tension, but I still feel this insistent spirit to forgive, to move on. And this has happened before, so I'm hesistant to restart the whole cycle of hurt, anger, bitterness, and quick forgivness and then hit repeat again, and again, and again.
But this morning, as I've sensed before, when I begin to wonder why there is such pain. What the purpose would be for the agonizing hours, a wonderful thought occurs to me. There would be no way that I would have matured, have drawn closer to God, and realized some of the weak areas within my own life without this valley. I desire God's counsel and direction more than anything else right now. Without these conflicts, I pretty certain that I would have had a "lazy" spriritual summer, that I would have slowly drifted into certain sins, not caring as much to draw closer to God. Pain has this wonderful cleaning effect about our vision and our perspective. It pokes you and prods you to consider things you might have not. There have definitely have been those moments of anger and questioning to God, but this morning I found a peace in the fact that I'm depending more on God than I would have if not for this darker hours. And one perspective I certainly have gained is that my problems are so minor compared to those of others whose faith is strong. Thank you God for remaining by me and forging my faith to become something more real and not superficial and commonplace.

Logan's Eighth Birthday Party

Fresh from our camping trip at the Varty's house (translation...recovering from the exhaustion of camping), we decided to take advantage of Ci Ci's Kid's Night and held Logan's eighth birthday party there. After some quick Facebook messages and phone calls, we got family and some of Logan's friends together for his birthday party. Ci' Ci's had a really cool party room with decorated tables. Amber and I paid for the kids' meals, which with pop ended up being only $2.00 each. We also supplied the kids with quarters for the game room. What was even cooler about this Kid's Night was that they now had a clown that did balloon animals. How awesome was that for the kids?!?


Logan seemed to have a really good time with his buddies, like Wesley, Megan, and Christian. I believe ALL of his cousins were there, including Dylan and Camden. Transformers, racing cars, camping equipment, and G. I. Joe were the big toys of the evening.

Luckily, I stumbled across this very sweet birthday cake that was frosted and put together to look like one of Logan's favorite food items...a huge hamburger. Logan got a kick out of that cake.

After being stuffed to the max on pizza, cheese stix, and cinnamon rolls, we somehow managed to add in some birthday cake.

It is so hard to believe it's been eight years since I got the call in that two-bedroom apartment in Aspen Grove that Amber's water had broken on the ARC bus. I still remember rushing to Rite Aid on Michigan Avenue and running around, and looking for throw away cameras. I remember just being in a whirlwind, not knowing what lay ahead. Those were some of the best days of my life. I just love the way Logan sounded when he let out his first cries. Now he's my tough soccer-playing, swimming, God-loving, little man. I love my little man.

Living Life Challenge #4- Jumping Into a Pond

I have never been much for jumping into a pond with a mucky, muddy, slime-covered bottom, much less one that also features fish as inhabitants to the body of water I'm entering. Swimming at the beach is fine. Swimming in a lake is fine, but I rarely enter a body of water where the chances of me making contact with a fish are high. Smelling like the fish, after swimming with them, is also not something I enjoy much either.

Still this is the Summer where I wanted to try and do "new things" or try something I have not done in some time. While camping at my in-laws house, my brother-in-law Travis, among everyone else, wondered if I'd truly go for a swim. It took a few moments to get me airborne off the dock, but after a little hesistation, I leaped off the little dock and was soon enjoying muck between my toes. I may never return to pond swimming this summer, but I took the plunge.

July 4th Weekend

The Long Holiday Weekend was very much that a long weekend. The greatest part of the weekend was the fact that my nephew, Camden McCulloch, came home on Sunday, July 5th. He gave his parents and whole family a little scare on Friday, as he was transferred to the main Henry Ford Hospital in downtown Detroit. Watching him breathe in the NICU unit was hear-wrenching. Because he was under a bilirubin light, he wore this sleep mask to protect his eyes. Watching from the hallway as he breathed in and out reminded me of my own kids when they were born, how fast they grow up. I wanted to rush home and hold Sawyer Finn. Nothing compares to watching a baby take in each precious breath to underscore how precious and fragile life is. I am so thankful that he is home with his mom and dad.



Before the initial frightening news about Camden on Friday, Amber and Scout went out for some "Mommy and me" time. Amber, from the huge amount of kids that are babysat at our house, wanted to have some one-on-one time with each of the kids. So as she did some shopping and went to Kohl's, she and Scout want out. In the meantime, it was me and my little men. After doing up some scrambled eggs for breakfast and allowing Sawyer his morning nap, we set out to buy Amber a new bike. After grabbing Logan and Quaid a new toy at Target, I began the grueling process of figuring out what bike to get her (Three bikes have lost their pedals while Amber was biking across major roads in our area.) After nearly an hour of agonizing debating, I chose a Schwin for her. It was very cool pulling up and presenting her with her new bike.
Amber and I headed down to Henry Ford to see Camden that night, thanks to her parents coming to the rescue to watch our own kids. After spending several hours visiting with Joe, Michelle, Mike and Patty (Joe's inlaws), and my own parents, Amber and I stopped off at IHOP for a late dinner.

Because mybrother Jon was not having his usual Fourth of July party at his house in Saint Clair and due to Camden being in the hospital, there were no formal plans for celelbrating Independence Day, so.....I cut the grass and cleaned the gutters. In between grass cutting and gutter cleaning, we took the kids on bike ride through downtown Port Huron, had some Subway for lunch, and headed back. I'm trying to clock in miles on the bike and track this summer to get healthier. We did about five miles with the kids. While I cleaned the gutter, Amber took Scout down to Roosevelt to practice riding without training wheels. After getting thoroughly soaked and covered by the grime from the gutters, I cleaned up, and we headed down to Stevi B's on 23 Mile Road for some pizza buffet. We also shopped at Old Navy (really patriotic of us, isn't it?). From there we began a search for sparklers and found that most of the area around 23 Mile Road does not allow for the selling of ANY type of firework. It wasn't until Marysville Meijer that I was able to buy some sparklers and fireworks for the kids.

At home, Logan and Scout, until she burned herself on a sparkler, enjoyed the little firework show and holding their sparklers. Quaid and Sawyer, still traumatized from last week's Acheson firework display, are still frightened of any type of firework. It was great watching the older two play with the sparklers (until the massive mosquito attack).

Sunday was the annual church picnic at Goodell's park. Logan is less excited about the sprinkler park and more intrigued by the jungle gyms. After roasting in the sun, we left the park and headed to Scoops ice cream parlor. Logan, upon seeing the venue of his seventh birthday party, was convinced that we needed to have his birthday here again. Amber and I enjoyed some Coconut, chocolate almond ice cream (I'm trying to fill my summer with trying new things.) I believe the other kids enjoyed some Superman ice cream and Cake Batter ice cream. We crashed at home (or tried to). We had a second round of sparklers for just Logan and Scout. (Quaid fell asleep at 6:30 p.m. on the new recliner.) As the kids headed to bed, I had only acculated 9,000 steps, so between 8:30 and 10:30, I added, through "some running" and mostly walking fast, 11, 000 steps to make my 20,000 step goal for the day.

Today, I'm really tired.

Living Life Challenge #3- Slip and Slide

At a Saturday afternnoon barbecue and swim party at the Proctor's house, Ryan pulled out a "slip and slide". Despite horror stories of sprained ankles and sore backs, I felt the need to take a plunge or two down it. Normally, I'd just let the kids break a bone.Now here's a horrific sight to behold....

The Great Western Michigan Vacation: Day One

After arriving in Walker, Michigan (10 miles north of Grand Rapids) on Tuesday night, Logan, Scout, Quaid, and I swam while Amber settled in the room with Sawyer. The pool was really cool and being able to swim with no one else around was a plus.

The next morning we headed down to the breakfast area for the free continental breakfast. Better than some hotel chains, we had the option of Belgian Waffles. After breakfast and reading with the kids, we headed to downtown Grand Rapids to check out the children's museum. While small, downtown Grand Rapids still has that big town feel in the center of it.

Today, the children's museum was opening up a new exhibit, "Aunt Daisy's Farm", so it was crowded. Amber and I were very, very impressed with this museum. It was colorful, very interactive, clean, and presented many things for each of the kids to do.

The Battle

This has been a strange week for me. Normally, I loathe writing about any of the personal challenges that I'm facing because I don't want to ever appear weak to anyone that might read my little observations on life. Still, I want to someday in the near future, look back on this entry and say, "Hey, I'm past that now."


The day after Memorial Day, I had just a real "downer" day. I felt depressed with no real obvious reason why. I just felt down...low energy, no drive. It came on fast. Now, I had spent Sunday at Cedar Point with most of my family (Sawyer stayed home with my mom and dad) and spent a good chunk of Memorial Day outside with friends and family at East China Park. Being a red-head, the sun takes it toll on both your complexion (There is no such thing as tanning for me.) and your energy. Wednesday and Thursday were better days, but in the afternoon on my birthday, I started feeling weird pressure headaches and just out of it. Yesterday was okay for the most part, but today was again a challenge.
Right before we were to enter the gymansium as a staff, I started feeeling anxious and out of it. I began pacing a lot (which I've done in the past). This does not make sense for a guy that has been in plays, teaches everyday, has lead worship and VBS...I'm the kind of guy that DOES NOT USUALLY GET FAZED by entering into large crowds. While onstage, I had moments of feeling a little off balance and nerved up, but I managed to get through it. In fact, as commencement wrapped, it felt so good to be done that I felt free and much better.
As I drove home, this temporary high faded quickly. Sometimes when I stand, I have this weird pressure on the sides of my head. I go from feeling tired and yawning to feeling down to feeling like I have NO ENERGY. We even went bike riding tonight (something I enjoy) and I felt at times that I could just like the bike fall over and just collapse.
After some healthy McDonalds (just two McChicken sandwiches and some Diet Coke), I do feel better. I just feel down about these moments. I want to be the very best for Amber, my kids, my job, and my testimony.
The good of this is that I'm having to turn to God (like I should have been doing in the first place.) In a part of a recent sermon I listened to on my Ipod, it was stated that we do not turn to God for strength, for encouragement, for courage itself, and for power. I have to believe, more than the McDonald's and Diet Coke, that God gave me the strength.
It has been a real week of spiritual battles. I have felt very, very depressed about family issues and money issues and health issues. May God grant me that courage to keep moving, just as I HAD to do tonight while riding my bike with three of my precious kids attached to the bike (bike trailer and bike seat). May I honor God with a healthier lifestyle that includes eating better, exercising more, and sleeping better. In fact this entry to my blog is part of that plan, to write about my worries.
Mark Driscoll in a recent sermon stated that in I Peter, we find that ANXIETY is a sin. We are called to cast our anxieties on God. To worry about the future about what is to come is to assume the identity of being God...that we MUST KNOW the future and that we must CONTROL the future. Only God has the right to do this, but I fail to recognize this so often.
Thank you God for these trying times that open my eyes to how much I must let YOU be in control and NOT myself.

Dad Turns Sixty

I'm twenty-five years behind my dad. There's more than simple mathematics behind this. When I got married at twenty-five years of age in 1999, I remember that my dad had turned 50, and I kept thinking about how I was getting married while I was half of my dad's age. I have no idea why this struck me at all, but it did. Perhaps I never really thought about my dad's age before. Ten years later, four kids later, my first decade teaching and my dad is now sixty.
This new age for my dad bothers me. My grandparents, on my dad's side, passed away in their sixties, but my dad, except for his back, is in much better health than they were. I know that this fear of his aging prompts me to want to spend more time with him. I want no regrets, and I feel that as I have grown older we've grown closer.
Saturday night, the day before he "officially" became sixty, we celebrated with a party at my parents. It always seems like another world, a separate lifetime when being at my old home. Some parts of my house look familiar while others don't. It was nice barbecuing on the back deck with Joe and Tim, remembering the many nights, while a college student, that I would sit back there to get some piece of mind, to get refocused. I loved looking at the trees swaying in the wind. It brought a certain type of calm to me.
The party was a good time with relatively low tension (That's a whole 'nother blog entry.) I gave my dad the usual (cd's, dvd, shirt), but I also finally gave him the picture of he and the brothers at the LEAVING IOWA event that was dedicated to him. I wrote a little note about noting those "perfect moments." May the days ahead be full of those "perfect moments."

Amber's Birthday

Amber turned 32 today, and as many would know, Amber is not big on big parties. Still, while she was out with her mom for a few moments, Logan, Scout, Quaid, Sawyer, and I could not help but to throw a little surprise party for her. Complete with party hats and noise makers, the kids and I kept hiding every few minutes in anticipation of Amber walking through our front door.

What a beautiful moment as Amber walked in the door and the kids went running (except for Sawyer who crawled) and suprised Amber. The kids made special "Happy Birthday" drawings and taped them in the foyer area. I made stuffed shells (which I later found is not among Amber's most favorite meals).

We had a chocolate mocha cake, sang Happy Birthday to Amber, and had her open a little gift bag of present I had bought for her. My favorite item I purchased was a collection of chocolates from The Chocolate Harbor in Saint Clair. I also added some Twizzlers, salt-water taffy, Caramel Corn, and some summer shirts to her present bag.

The best part of the night was how much fun the kids had in hiding, suprising, and drawing birthday banners for Amber.

Where to Begin? Part 1

It's certainly been a crazy few months since 2009 has begun. What seemed to be relatively busy in the Fall became insanely hectic in late January and throughout February. To begin with, Scout received a role as a "bee" and a "monkey" in Port Huron Civic Theater's JUNGLE BOOK JR. To have any of my children involved in theater is a dream come true for me. Actually having Scout fully involved in a production meant a little more involvement than I had imagined.

Add to Scout's schedule my own production that I was directing at Marine City High School, LEAVING IOWA. For months, I had been planning to direct this show and dedicate it, due to its content and themes, to my dad. In addition, I began moving things forward for the final show of the season, TREASURE ISLAND.

Fighting Stress

Ten years ago, I was heading into one of the biggest life-changing times I have ever had. In the Winter of 1999, I was student-teaching at Holland Woods Middle School in Port Huron, holding down a job at Family Christian Stores, had been attending my new church after an abrupt change in the Fall of 1998, and getting ready to be married. Needless to say, it was extremely stressful. During the Winter of 1999, I became acquainted with something very, very scary and uncomfortable...panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. My blood pressure sky-rocketed, I was having dizzy spells, and I could not sleep at night.
The ten years since have seen minor returns to anxiety until just this week. Almost a decade later, four kids later, nearly married ten years, and on my tenth year of teaching high school, I feel the closest to what I felt ten years ago. It's like I'm not fully awake, been feeling a little dizzy, feeling very tired, and my blood pressure (despite losing nearly 25 pounds) is once again skyrocketing.
This is exam week and I am buried in grading. I think that is playing a big part in this onslaught of stress. Also, Winter is always a hard time financially. I just read an article on hypertension, yoga, and stress. While not a "true believer" in yoga, I do agree that my body is very much in a "fight or flight" syndrome. I have been very short with my kids and wife. I have felt overwhelmed.
So I find myself journaling, which is one way I know that I can deal with the stresses I have. I do have a great deal of work ahead of me. I am currently directing a play, LEAVING IOWA, and my daughter, Scout, is involved with JUNGLE BOOK JR. I am involved with my church. Winter is tough with huge electric and gas bills. Papers are piled high for grading today and tomorrow. I just feel very, very stressed and tired and whipped. I'm going to start working on tackling the stress that I've been feeling.
If you read this blog, pray for me. I pray right now that the stress that I'm feeling, God, you will take away. Please stabilize my blood pressure and bring a calm to my heart. Forgive me for the sins and attitude and pride that have separated me from your peace.