The Battle

This has been a strange week for me. Normally, I loathe writing about any of the personal challenges that I'm facing because I don't want to ever appear weak to anyone that might read my little observations on life. Still, I want to someday in the near future, look back on this entry and say, "Hey, I'm past that now."


The day after Memorial Day, I had just a real "downer" day. I felt depressed with no real obvious reason why. I just felt down...low energy, no drive. It came on fast. Now, I had spent Sunday at Cedar Point with most of my family (Sawyer stayed home with my mom and dad) and spent a good chunk of Memorial Day outside with friends and family at East China Park. Being a red-head, the sun takes it toll on both your complexion (There is no such thing as tanning for me.) and your energy. Wednesday and Thursday were better days, but in the afternoon on my birthday, I started feeling weird pressure headaches and just out of it. Yesterday was okay for the most part, but today was again a challenge.
Right before we were to enter the gymansium as a staff, I started feeeling anxious and out of it. I began pacing a lot (which I've done in the past). This does not make sense for a guy that has been in plays, teaches everyday, has lead worship and VBS...I'm the kind of guy that DOES NOT USUALLY GET FAZED by entering into large crowds. While onstage, I had moments of feeling a little off balance and nerved up, but I managed to get through it. In fact, as commencement wrapped, it felt so good to be done that I felt free and much better.
As I drove home, this temporary high faded quickly. Sometimes when I stand, I have this weird pressure on the sides of my head. I go from feeling tired and yawning to feeling down to feeling like I have NO ENERGY. We even went bike riding tonight (something I enjoy) and I felt at times that I could just like the bike fall over and just collapse.
After some healthy McDonalds (just two McChicken sandwiches and some Diet Coke), I do feel better. I just feel down about these moments. I want to be the very best for Amber, my kids, my job, and my testimony.
The good of this is that I'm having to turn to God (like I should have been doing in the first place.) In a part of a recent sermon I listened to on my Ipod, it was stated that we do not turn to God for strength, for encouragement, for courage itself, and for power. I have to believe, more than the McDonald's and Diet Coke, that God gave me the strength.
It has been a real week of spiritual battles. I have felt very, very depressed about family issues and money issues and health issues. May God grant me that courage to keep moving, just as I HAD to do tonight while riding my bike with three of my precious kids attached to the bike (bike trailer and bike seat). May I honor God with a healthier lifestyle that includes eating better, exercising more, and sleeping better. In fact this entry to my blog is part of that plan, to write about my worries.
Mark Driscoll in a recent sermon stated that in I Peter, we find that ANXIETY is a sin. We are called to cast our anxieties on God. To worry about the future about what is to come is to assume the identity of being God...that we MUST KNOW the future and that we must CONTROL the future. Only God has the right to do this, but I fail to recognize this so often.
Thank you God for these trying times that open my eyes to how much I must let YOU be in control and NOT myself.

Dad Turns Sixty

I'm twenty-five years behind my dad. There's more than simple mathematics behind this. When I got married at twenty-five years of age in 1999, I remember that my dad had turned 50, and I kept thinking about how I was getting married while I was half of my dad's age. I have no idea why this struck me at all, but it did. Perhaps I never really thought about my dad's age before. Ten years later, four kids later, my first decade teaching and my dad is now sixty.
This new age for my dad bothers me. My grandparents, on my dad's side, passed away in their sixties, but my dad, except for his back, is in much better health than they were. I know that this fear of his aging prompts me to want to spend more time with him. I want no regrets, and I feel that as I have grown older we've grown closer.
Saturday night, the day before he "officially" became sixty, we celebrated with a party at my parents. It always seems like another world, a separate lifetime when being at my old home. Some parts of my house look familiar while others don't. It was nice barbecuing on the back deck with Joe and Tim, remembering the many nights, while a college student, that I would sit back there to get some piece of mind, to get refocused. I loved looking at the trees swaying in the wind. It brought a certain type of calm to me.
The party was a good time with relatively low tension (That's a whole 'nother blog entry.) I gave my dad the usual (cd's, dvd, shirt), but I also finally gave him the picture of he and the brothers at the LEAVING IOWA event that was dedicated to him. I wrote a little note about noting those "perfect moments." May the days ahead be full of those "perfect moments."

Amber's Birthday

Amber turned 32 today, and as many would know, Amber is not big on big parties. Still, while she was out with her mom for a few moments, Logan, Scout, Quaid, Sawyer, and I could not help but to throw a little surprise party for her. Complete with party hats and noise makers, the kids and I kept hiding every few minutes in anticipation of Amber walking through our front door.

What a beautiful moment as Amber walked in the door and the kids went running (except for Sawyer who crawled) and suprised Amber. The kids made special "Happy Birthday" drawings and taped them in the foyer area. I made stuffed shells (which I later found is not among Amber's most favorite meals).

We had a chocolate mocha cake, sang Happy Birthday to Amber, and had her open a little gift bag of present I had bought for her. My favorite item I purchased was a collection of chocolates from The Chocolate Harbor in Saint Clair. I also added some Twizzlers, salt-water taffy, Caramel Corn, and some summer shirts to her present bag.

The best part of the night was how much fun the kids had in hiding, suprising, and drawing birthday banners for Amber.