Morning Insights

It's been sometime since I've written on my blog. I certainly had hoped to become this prolific writer here. This is one of those rare, unplanned little blogs. It's 6:50 a.m.. I've been awake for just a few moments, mulling over some of the hurt and pain that have accompanied my heart and soul this summer. Most of it has had to do with tension within the greater McCulloch family, which has certainly brought tension into my little home in Port Huron.
By all accounts, when considering everything that Amber, the kids and I have done this summer, this should go down as one of the greatest summer ever. We've gone to the zoo, camped in my in-laws backyard, had a great time at Brown City church camp, spent time with friends, even got some home projects done, and went on several great trips (Grand Rapids, Greenfield Village day, and perhaps Mackinac Island next week). Despite the great memories, I've been clearly in a funk that seem to have begun earlier this year. Anxiety, at least that is again what appears to have been giving me some of the weird issues I've been facing, has reared its ugly head off and on. Despite evolving into the best physical condition I've been in for some time, I've had strange moments this summer. Not getting along with my parents, not seeing them has been tough. To add to this, while at Brown City Camp, I had a sermon on relationships from Pastor Steve DeNeff that basically challenged me to make peace, but I feel like the lone crusader in this area. I realize and agree with the perspective of others in this family tension, but I still feel this insistent spirit to forgive, to move on. And this has happened before, so I'm hesistant to restart the whole cycle of hurt, anger, bitterness, and quick forgivness and then hit repeat again, and again, and again.
But this morning, as I've sensed before, when I begin to wonder why there is such pain. What the purpose would be for the agonizing hours, a wonderful thought occurs to me. There would be no way that I would have matured, have drawn closer to God, and realized some of the weak areas within my own life without this valley. I desire God's counsel and direction more than anything else right now. Without these conflicts, I pretty certain that I would have had a "lazy" spriritual summer, that I would have slowly drifted into certain sins, not caring as much to draw closer to God. Pain has this wonderful cleaning effect about our vision and our perspective. It pokes you and prods you to consider things you might have not. There have definitely have been those moments of anger and questioning to God, but this morning I found a peace in the fact that I'm depending more on God than I would have if not for this darker hours. And one perspective I certainly have gained is that my problems are so minor compared to those of others whose faith is strong. Thank you God for remaining by me and forging my faith to become something more real and not superficial and commonplace.