Lost in Summertime Thoughts Part 1

So I'm sitting here in summerschool, teaching at NOT attending it, wandering through another summer and realizing that I'm nearing both the beloved and dreaded month of August.  I LOVE August because it is usually a fruitful time for making lasting, summertime memories.  This is the time of year we annually attend our church's family camp in Brown City.  I DREAD August because at its end is the beginning of the school year.  Teaching, having a job I enjoy, is not the bad part.  It's just coming out of that time where life is SLOWER PACED, not a blur.

   Summer is not necessarily a restful time for the McCulloch household.  We manage to cram trips, late-night visits with friends, our church's annual vacation Bible school, outdoor projects, get-togethers, and everything else "summerly" into our schedule.   Still, as a school teacher, set aside one month of summer school, there are more moments to reflect, think, to assess than the school year.  Yet I wonder if that is just by choice, I chooses to make time for reflection, for some rest during June, July, and August, and perhaps I need to make a more concerted effort to reflect, rest, assess life during the school year.  It's that summer mindset versus the school year mindset.

   This summer has offered some WHOPPERS of God speaking into my heart, prodding my thoughts, and offering some incisive challenges to how I view myself and how I live my life.

Here are a few of the many reflections/realizations that the summer of 2012:

LESS TALK AND MORE DOING

   When you're reading a book entitled LOVE DOES (written by Bob Goff and a book I'll probably reference a million times), where one of the main themes is that LOVE is about ACTION not just STATEMENTS, major, life-changing themes are liable to seep into one's heart, soul, and mind.  And this just seems to be theme this summer.

  I find that I am A LOT of talk and very little action.  And it's not that I don't have the most earnest of intentions, but for a multitude of reasons I often find that I'm more "hype man" than "grunt worker".  I get caught up on the excitment of the potential of a project or time to hang out or being a better dad/husband/brother/son/friend (take your choice), but either an overcrowded schedule or when the reality of my idea finally sinks in or just plain-rotten laziness overcomes me, the hype, like all pop fizz in an open 2-liter of cola, becomes flat.

   Take even this blog. I aspire and dream of writing (and I find that I'm not even sure why on that lately), but I don't ever (except now ....Ha!!) just sit down and write....no matter how raw, incorrect, basic, weird, fake, too transparent the writing/thoughts are.  I dream and talk as if I'm this "WRITER", but I don't just get to it.

  One solution (which I plan to write on further) is to really wage war against my calendar. I've been reading about the power of SIMPLIFICATION, and I feel if I strip away some of the utter nonsense (hours on Facebook, surfing the web, watching shows/movies that nothing short of dribble) and really get at what can form a better life. 

  And this is not an easy change to make....

  Just as I've allowed my once triumphant story of losing weight and becoming healthy to be a repeat episode with recent weight gain, I cannot simply moan my miseries and do nothing.  Change means work and action not just lofty words (either spoken or written). 

Trying Again...

I've hit a slump when everthing around me suggests that I should not be in one.

Beautiful wife, beautiful kids, and I have a job, but I find myself a little down....and very complacent about that state of "down-ness". It just seems that very little is exciting me, and that really, really scares me.

I feel in the areas where I make mistakes or want to overcome something that I am once again "trying".

And it hit me today....it hit me that I am the ONE that is trying. That I am putting this all on me and NOT relying on God. And part of me hates that I'm even having to write that, think that...my ego, my "self", my human side hates having to think that I need to just rely on God. And a little of me feels that it is totally cliche' to admit that I must SIMPLY rely on God.

I wonder if that is the total basis of my problems that I rely so much on ME to figure everything out.

I'm scared that aspects of God....church, service for the Kingdom, worship....are BORING me. That's a dangerous confession right there.

And I'm scared that I always claim to be "trying again", but perhaps that is the point of this middle of the night of reflection. That having just an ounce of that interest, that flicker of DESIRING to be better is so much better than the other alternative....simply giving up.

And I have felt very close to those dark waters of just wanting to walk away from everything that I've known and claimed to have hope in for so long. But isn't this the best place to be? Open to what God has in store for me and simply being willing to TRUST?

While I hate being in this spot of "trying again", I am grateful for the hope and grace and the possibility in what tomorrow holds.