Trying Again...

I've hit a slump when everthing around me suggests that I should not be in one.

Beautiful wife, beautiful kids, and I have a job, but I find myself a little down....and very complacent about that state of "down-ness". It just seems that very little is exciting me, and that really, really scares me.

I feel in the areas where I make mistakes or want to overcome something that I am once again "trying".

And it hit me today....it hit me that I am the ONE that is trying. That I am putting this all on me and NOT relying on God. And part of me hates that I'm even having to write that, think that...my ego, my "self", my human side hates having to think that I need to just rely on God. And a little of me feels that it is totally cliche' to admit that I must SIMPLY rely on God.

I wonder if that is the total basis of my problems that I rely so much on ME to figure everything out.

I'm scared that aspects of God....church, service for the Kingdom, worship....are BORING me. That's a dangerous confession right there.

And I'm scared that I always claim to be "trying again", but perhaps that is the point of this middle of the night of reflection. That having just an ounce of that interest, that flicker of DESIRING to be better is so much better than the other alternative....simply giving up.

And I have felt very close to those dark waters of just wanting to walk away from everything that I've known and claimed to have hope in for so long. But isn't this the best place to be? Open to what God has in store for me and simply being willing to TRUST?

While I hate being in this spot of "trying again", I am grateful for the hope and grace and the possibility in what tomorrow holds.